Of all the enlightened and brilliantly charming words to have left Sanchez's mouth, none have such immediate effect as one quote from last night.
Sanchez was invited to a girls 18th. The party was 85% feminists and 15% guys. Surely you can see where this is going. Sanchez felt obliged to dress to suit the occasion, so in he walked to his 12 cruisers, 8 guava and 4 passionfruit of course, and a shirt that read, "Chick Magnet". It was not long before this shirt was being scrutinized by the small brains of the aforementioned feminists. A few of them decided to throw some chat at Sanchez in regards to his delicious taste in alcoholic beverages. Already primed for a battle, Sanchez pounced.
"Are you guys feeling homesick? Cause you've been out of the kitchen for a while"
"How did you get your master to unchain for tonight? Did you promise him a 3 course meal?"
The feminists took these blows heavily but valiantly battled on to say that men couldn't survive without women. Really? Did they really just say that? Yes. I quickly pointed out how ridiculous this comment was, as neither men nor women could survive without the other and that I was feeling a little hungry and I would like a sandwich. I had won the battle, but I wanted to win the war. I was overcome with guava cruisers and self-satisfaction, a dangerous mix. The queen on the feminists strode towards me, her eyes flickered to my drinks, she gave herself a small smile and whispered something to her friend. She laughed. I didn't.
"Why are you drinking girly drinks?" she asked with an evil grin on her face. Little did she know her world would soon be shattered.
"Because they are delicious", I replied.
"Yuuuuck!" She said, "Guava cruisers are disgusting!" It was like throwing gasoline on a fire.
...And then is happened, the words that would forever haunt this poor woman.
"I would sell my first born child for a carton of guava cruisers!" I told her, without skipping a beat.
She stood there, shocked, disgusted, and probably slightly turned on. Then she spun on her heel and walked off. I sat down next to a friend and said, "I almost feel bad"
"No you don't", he replied.
"Okay, you're right I don't" I laughed...
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Sunday, March 28, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
3 words we all want to hear...
There are three words everyone wants to hear. No matter who you are, where you are or what you are doing, these words will brighten your day. They will take the doom and gloom away and replace it with sunshine with the heavens. For some, they don't hear it enough and are left being jealous of those who do. For others they hear it too much and become bloated, and even dependent, on the warmth it brings to ones body. Luckily, Sanchez Alfonso has been hearing these magical three words since he can remember.
Of course, these three words are,
"It's drinking time!"
There are many reasons to drink; funerals, weddings, birthdays, weekends and boredom to name a few. But what really matters, is not the why, but the who with. And today's lesson in life comes from an experience Sanchez experienced when he was only 12.
At 12 years of age, Sanchez was an established drinker, recognised throughout his small village for his ability to down 14 cruisers in one night and still be able to clearly ununciate his displeasure with the final battle of Harry Potter 7. On one particular night though, he was drinking with a friend he hadn't seen since the removal of all gypsies from the village, in which his closest friend, Mannix Kieushaw, was thought to have been killed. However, Mannix had instead escaped with gypsies and grown up with them only to return to the village 5 years later.
Upon his arrival, Sanchez walked straight up to Mannix, looked him in the eye and whispered, "It's drinking time!" And thus, the night was launched. Two best friends reuniting over quite a few cruisers, it seemed like a scene from a movie. Unfortunately, there was no happy ever after. Soon after finishing his 14th cruiser and embarking on outrageous expletive-ridden rant about the final battle, Sanchez looked down at Mannix. He was shocked by what he was seeing. He had been betrayed! Mannix had returned to the village a different person, he was no longer the young boy Sanchez used to play pin the tail on the real donkey with. He was a monster. Sanchez was horrified, his fear froze him. A million thoughts going through his head, he could not be caught at this scene, the village people would cast him out along with Mannix. He did what any full grown man would have done, he turned and he ran.
Sanchez finally reached his shanty when he collapsed into his bed. He had never felt so alone, his oldest friend had betrayed one of the villages oldest rules. Punishable by banishment from the village, or being forced to do women's chores for a week. Needless to say, nearly all male offenders chose to be banished. The sight of Mannix was etched into his mind. He was sitting there, blissfully ignorant, sipping a glass of water. Water! Who drinks water whilst drinking? It went against human nature, it brought the act of drinking into disrepute! To this day Sanchez has never recovered from what happened, some say he never will...
Of course, these three words are,
"It's drinking time!"
There are many reasons to drink; funerals, weddings, birthdays, weekends and boredom to name a few. But what really matters, is not the why, but the who with. And today's lesson in life comes from an experience Sanchez experienced when he was only 12.
At 12 years of age, Sanchez was an established drinker, recognised throughout his small village for his ability to down 14 cruisers in one night and still be able to clearly ununciate his displeasure with the final battle of Harry Potter 7. On one particular night though, he was drinking with a friend he hadn't seen since the removal of all gypsies from the village, in which his closest friend, Mannix Kieushaw, was thought to have been killed. However, Mannix had instead escaped with gypsies and grown up with them only to return to the village 5 years later.
Upon his arrival, Sanchez walked straight up to Mannix, looked him in the eye and whispered, "It's drinking time!" And thus, the night was launched. Two best friends reuniting over quite a few cruisers, it seemed like a scene from a movie. Unfortunately, there was no happy ever after. Soon after finishing his 14th cruiser and embarking on outrageous expletive-ridden rant about the final battle, Sanchez looked down at Mannix. He was shocked by what he was seeing. He had been betrayed! Mannix had returned to the village a different person, he was no longer the young boy Sanchez used to play pin the tail on the real donkey with. He was a monster. Sanchez was horrified, his fear froze him. A million thoughts going through his head, he could not be caught at this scene, the village people would cast him out along with Mannix. He did what any full grown man would have done, he turned and he ran.
Sanchez finally reached his shanty when he collapsed into his bed. He had never felt so alone, his oldest friend had betrayed one of the villages oldest rules. Punishable by banishment from the village, or being forced to do women's chores for a week. Needless to say, nearly all male offenders chose to be banished. The sight of Mannix was etched into his mind. He was sitting there, blissfully ignorant, sipping a glass of water. Water! Who drinks water whilst drinking? It went against human nature, it brought the act of drinking into disrepute! To this day Sanchez has never recovered from what happened, some say he never will...
Friday, March 12, 2010
Sanchez and his Weapon of Mass Attraction
It is the manliest of habits. The meek can not handle it and only the strongest of men survive. It separates the boys from the men and it has been known to send some men crazy. It's a drug for the soul. Just the mere sight of it can send some men running. But while it sends men running from it, it brings women running to it. It is the ultimate aphrodisiac that, once used, attracts every woman in its vicinity.
What is this weapon that only the bravest of men can conquer and no woman can ignore, you ask? Well it is simple. It is Lucas' Papaw Ointment.
Yes, once this wonderful elixir is applied to your lips, there is no woman who can say no. Many have tried, and failed, to recreate the properties of this amazing concoction. It is the rarest of rare artifacts. Only few men possess this substance and even fewer are willing to use it. However, there is one man who is more man than the rest. He goes by the name of Sanchez Alfonso.
Sanchez Alfonso currently holds the world record for the most re-applications of the papaw ointment in one night on the town. It is said his record can only be beaten by a coma patient unknowing of what is happening, such is the strength needed. Where some men cower and run, Sanchez stands and applies. Sanchez wakes in the morning and before opening his eyes, reaches to his bedside table for his papaw ointment. Legend has it that one day the whole world was going to blow up unless Sanchez pressed a button in five seconds, Sanchez used 4 of those seconds to apply papaw ointment to his lips before pressing the button moments before the timer ran out.
It is a sight seen more than a girl cooking dinner, such is his religious application. On a Saturday night, you can find Sanchez out on the town with his boys. But after a few double blacks with raspberry to entice the ladies over and get them interested, he unleashes his weapon of mass attraction! It starts with a twist of the lid, then a gentle squeeze, once the product slightly protrudes from the container, a small swipe with a finger to collect is all that is necessary. With that same finger, the papaw is distributed finely, if not sensually, across his lips. As he rubs his lips together, his job is complete. The women come, not in ebbs or flows, but in torrential currents.
How much longer can Sanchez maintain this routine? No man has lasted this long without going crazy, but Sanchez seems to have built up an immunity. For now, we can only wish that we were all Sanchez Alfonso with his Lucas' Papaw Ointment...
What is this weapon that only the bravest of men can conquer and no woman can ignore, you ask? Well it is simple. It is Lucas' Papaw Ointment.
Yes, once this wonderful elixir is applied to your lips, there is no woman who can say no. Many have tried, and failed, to recreate the properties of this amazing concoction. It is the rarest of rare artifacts. Only few men possess this substance and even fewer are willing to use it. However, there is one man who is more man than the rest. He goes by the name of Sanchez Alfonso.
Sanchez Alfonso currently holds the world record for the most re-applications of the papaw ointment in one night on the town. It is said his record can only be beaten by a coma patient unknowing of what is happening, such is the strength needed. Where some men cower and run, Sanchez stands and applies. Sanchez wakes in the morning and before opening his eyes, reaches to his bedside table for his papaw ointment. Legend has it that one day the whole world was going to blow up unless Sanchez pressed a button in five seconds, Sanchez used 4 of those seconds to apply papaw ointment to his lips before pressing the button moments before the timer ran out.
It is a sight seen more than a girl cooking dinner, such is his religious application. On a Saturday night, you can find Sanchez out on the town with his boys. But after a few double blacks with raspberry to entice the ladies over and get them interested, he unleashes his weapon of mass attraction! It starts with a twist of the lid, then a gentle squeeze, once the product slightly protrudes from the container, a small swipe with a finger to collect is all that is necessary. With that same finger, the papaw is distributed finely, if not sensually, across his lips. As he rubs his lips together, his job is complete. The women come, not in ebbs or flows, but in torrential currents.
How much longer can Sanchez maintain this routine? No man has lasted this long without going crazy, but Sanchez seems to have built up an immunity. For now, we can only wish that we were all Sanchez Alfonso with his Lucas' Papaw Ointment...
Thursday, March 4, 2010
A beach trip, is there anyway this could end well?
After the antics of my 20th, I decided that I had done my fair share of drinking and Sanchez would take a hiatus from the addictive and delicious drug named alcohol. Could I last? Could I really deny the years of alcoholism his ancestors had brought before him? In a word, no!
One of my oldest friends, Christoph, was having his 20th. Now Christoph and I go all the way back to the small village where I grew up. They were side by side as a Mexican lady, who Christoph would later date, became the first women to eat twice her body weight in KFC. For Christoph's 20th, we were heading up to his beach house for two nights, um really Chris? You trust me? Ok, let's do it!
The esky was packed with 2 bottles of vodka and we were off, party time! The first night started slow, with many of the party-goers wanting to pace themselves. Not Sanchez! I didn't want a bar of this pacing yourself business, it was straight into the vodka and orange By the end of the night I was passed drunk, I was Sanchez Alfonso drunk! It was at this time someone suggested a maccas drive. Well you better bet your last buck that I was in that car before the sentence was finished! Now I have previously explained my run-ins with McDonald's drive thru's. Once again, I behaved as appropriately as I could. My recollection brings these exchanges to mind...
Sanchez: "Oi, do you have an cheeseburgers?"
Worker: "No, sorry we are on the breakfast menu!"
Sanchez: "Drop the attitude mate, have you got any shakes?"
Worker: "Sorry man, we are cleaning the machine"
Sanchez: "Are you serious? What kind of McDonald's s this, do you have anything in there? We are taking our business elsewhere biiiiiatcch!"
And we left without another word...
Once I securely had the McDonald's I craved in my hand, I slept well. Albeit on the hardest floor I have ever slept on. I was awoken in the morning by a terrible pain in my head. It felt as though I was Harry Potter and Voldemort was making love to me. After one of the worst hangovers in the history of mankind, it was time to do it all over again. But this time, we had an audience. The next door house, which was one of the richest houses I've seen, was full of girls getting ready to go out. As we watching them stroll from room to room in bras, the drinking games began. First up, boxhead!
There aren't many things I recall from this game other than the fact I had the box on my head and was breathing like Darth Vader and that a girl challenged my all-conquering knowledge of Harry Potter. We had a duel of Harry Potter knowledge and she walked away sorely defeated and I walked away screaming, "Gryffindor wins! Gryffindor wins!"
As the girls left for their party, we made our move. "Hey ladiesss" I called out in my most smoothest of voices. No reaction. They were rejecting me, that's funny! I'm Sanchez Alfonso! But after more drinking, the girls arrived home and invited us over. Well who are we to say no to these lovely ladies? However it was a trap, once inside, they sprang it that they were actually only 15. Now, Sanchez Alfonso doesn't mind an age gap in his ladies, but 15, not even he goes there. As I attempted a quick getaway, I saw a small passage in the ground that looked like glass over the top of water. As soon as I stepped on it I realised I was mistaken. There was no glass, just water. This is how I recall it...
My foot enters and the majority of my leg enters the water and it splashes everywhere.
Sanchez: "Fuuuuuck!"
Girl owner of the house: "What the fuck?"
Sanchez: "Fucking smoke bomb! Bail! I didn't do it, honest!"
I think I convinced her, and within a second I was back in Christoph's house drink my vodka and orange juices and being my usual charming self. Slowly night turned into morning and I recieved the following text from my parents,
"Tsunami warning for 8-9, stay away from the beach!"
I looked at my phone, then I looked out the window and saw the beach, "Unluckyyyy!"
One of my oldest friends, Christoph, was having his 20th. Now Christoph and I go all the way back to the small village where I grew up. They were side by side as a Mexican lady, who Christoph would later date, became the first women to eat twice her body weight in KFC. For Christoph's 20th, we were heading up to his beach house for two nights, um really Chris? You trust me? Ok, let's do it!
The esky was packed with 2 bottles of vodka and we were off, party time! The first night started slow, with many of the party-goers wanting to pace themselves. Not Sanchez! I didn't want a bar of this pacing yourself business, it was straight into the vodka and orange By the end of the night I was passed drunk, I was Sanchez Alfonso drunk! It was at this time someone suggested a maccas drive. Well you better bet your last buck that I was in that car before the sentence was finished! Now I have previously explained my run-ins with McDonald's drive thru's. Once again, I behaved as appropriately as I could. My recollection brings these exchanges to mind...
Sanchez: "Oi, do you have an cheeseburgers?"
Worker: "No, sorry we are on the breakfast menu!"
Sanchez: "Drop the attitude mate, have you got any shakes?"
Worker: "Sorry man, we are cleaning the machine"
Sanchez: "Are you serious? What kind of McDonald's s this, do you have anything in there? We are taking our business elsewhere biiiiiatcch!"
And we left without another word...
Once I securely had the McDonald's I craved in my hand, I slept well. Albeit on the hardest floor I have ever slept on. I was awoken in the morning by a terrible pain in my head. It felt as though I was Harry Potter and Voldemort was making love to me. After one of the worst hangovers in the history of mankind, it was time to do it all over again. But this time, we had an audience. The next door house, which was one of the richest houses I've seen, was full of girls getting ready to go out. As we watching them stroll from room to room in bras, the drinking games began. First up, boxhead!
There aren't many things I recall from this game other than the fact I had the box on my head and was breathing like Darth Vader and that a girl challenged my all-conquering knowledge of Harry Potter. We had a duel of Harry Potter knowledge and she walked away sorely defeated and I walked away screaming, "Gryffindor wins! Gryffindor wins!"
As the girls left for their party, we made our move. "Hey ladiesss" I called out in my most smoothest of voices. No reaction. They were rejecting me, that's funny! I'm Sanchez Alfonso! But after more drinking, the girls arrived home and invited us over. Well who are we to say no to these lovely ladies? However it was a trap, once inside, they sprang it that they were actually only 15. Now, Sanchez Alfonso doesn't mind an age gap in his ladies, but 15, not even he goes there. As I attempted a quick getaway, I saw a small passage in the ground that looked like glass over the top of water. As soon as I stepped on it I realised I was mistaken. There was no glass, just water. This is how I recall it...
My foot enters and the majority of my leg enters the water and it splashes everywhere.
Sanchez: "Fuuuuuck!"
Girl owner of the house: "What the fuck?"
Sanchez: "Fucking smoke bomb! Bail! I didn't do it, honest!"
I think I convinced her, and within a second I was back in Christoph's house drink my vodka and orange juices and being my usual charming self. Slowly night turned into morning and I recieved the following text from my parents,
"Tsunami warning for 8-9, stay away from the beach!"
I looked at my phone, then I looked out the window and saw the beach, "Unluckyyyy!"
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