'twas the final night in Brisbane for Sanchez Alfonso before he departed for a week of fun-filled, alcohol-riddled and bloggable mischief on the ski slopes of Thredbo. But before his departure, Sanchez wanted one more night on the town. It wasn't so much that he wanted it, it was the public demanded it. And who am I to deny the public their greatest wish, I farewell them in style...
As is usual on a Wednesday night, Sanchez's touch team, Dumbledore's Army, played. For the first time in a while, the team went down, losing 6-2. Special mention to Sanchez Alfonso for scoring both tries. Unfortunately, the team recieved a weeks worth of detention with Professor Umbridge writing lines, "I must not lose touch when representing Dumbledore's Army". After this demoralising loss, Sanchez knew there was only one way to salvage his night... Get absolutely blind at the Regatta.
This goal was achieved much quicker than anticipated though as Sanchez had forgotten to eat or drink after his game and was consequently swaying on the spot after a few double blacks. Whilst on the subject of double blacks, I must admit I committed one of the most rookie errors known to double black drinkers. After being told to have a sip from the bartender so he could put some raspberry in, in my over zealous state, I sculled about a third of the drink. The bartender then almost filled the drink up with raspberry. Needless to say, the drink was a bit rich but nonetheless tasty. After a few double blacks, Sanchez switched to a cheaper drink, vodka sunrises and it was whilst carrying these drinks he had the following encounter.
Sanchez approached some of his friends who were now talking to a lovely looking lady, very attractive and in shape. I would like to stress that point, you will see why soon. I placed my drinks down on the table and entered the conversation. Immediately my friends introduced me as 'the guy from millionaire' instead of my real name, Sanchez Alfonso. I knew that she was about to ask me something and being the TV celebrity that I am, I anticipated the question I had heard millions of times and quickly pulled out a pen and paper and said, "Yes its ok, you can have an autograph." As the conversation flowed and my drinks became more empty, she told us she was from Perth. "Drugs are a big in Perth" she said, "So are the ladies, it seems" remarked Sanchez. The whole of Regatta stood still, glasses smashed, a communal gasp echoed around the room. "I'm sorry, you aren't fat" I said, holding back the laughter, "You are just big boned" I teased. The look in her eye told me it wasn't safe me to be standing around her for much longer. I left.
On my way to finding some more friends, I bumped into an old friend who relayed to me a quite disturbing story. In her drunken state she tackled me into the wall and whispered, "I broke my drought on the weekend". I said, "What? I can't hear you!" "I broke my drought!" she said a little louder. "You broke your toe?" I replied. "I BROKE MY DROUGHT ON THE WEEKEND!" she screamed. Everyone within 5 metres turned and looked. "Ohhh, yeah I heard you the first time" I smiled at her. Too drunk to understand how I had just pulled off a brilliantly devilish plan, she continued to tell me how it had happened. Apparently, she had told this guy to wear a condom as she was not on the pill but about halfway through he said, "Oh my god, this feels so good without a condom". That was the end of that, she screamed, jumped out of the bed and ran into the toilet crying. Unfortunately for her, she was embarrassed, in a toilet and worst of all, naked. After calming herself down, she returned to the guys room to find him on the phone relaying this exact story to a friend. She dressed herself and left without a word. Finally she tells me, "I hate going through a drought, what's your longest?" I look at her, laugh and hold up 5 fingers. "Months?" she asks. "Days" I reply.
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Thursday, July 15, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Sanchez creates the Dreamteam
It was July 5, 12.30am in the morning. Sanchez and 4 of his mates had just passed the fifth hour of their FIFA session. For those uneducated few, FIFA 10 is a playstation game based on the most popluar sport in the world, soccer. After five hours, Sanchez had firmly establish himself as one of the players to beat but with all his brilliance, there remained one question. Could the FIFA superstar play in a team? Hence, the FIFA Dreamteam was spawned.
Sanchez and his friend, Skasian. FIFA Dreamteam! The two best players this side of the equator, having spent years at each others houses battling it out, now joining forces to defeat lesser men on the field of dreams. The challengers were Row-Row, Cooper and T-Rex. I use these codenames for their own safety and to save them from the embarrassment that will come with the completion of this story. First, the dreamteam swept aside the challenge of Row-Row and Cooper, then T-Rex and Cooper were dealt with. It was like taking candy from a child.
As Sanchez's and Skasians' fingers danced across the controllers, it seemed nothing could halt the dreamteam. But there was one last hill to climb. Row-Row and T-Rex. The winners would be heroes, men amongst boys and the losers would be cast off into the oblivion that is the world of heartbreak.
After 10 mintues it was 1-0 to the dreamteam and it seemed as though the hill has become a mound. It was all too easy! The longer the game progressed, the more confident the dreamteam became, it was still 1-0 but surely we could lay on a few goals if we really needed to. But with only a few minutes remaining on the clock, disaster struck. T-Rex stood up to be counted and scored to send the game into extra time. The dreamteam gathered themselves, ready to stamp their authority but it the authority didn't come. Row-Row and T-Rex dominated the first half of extra time, it finished at 3-1 to them. The dreamteam was shellshocked, what had happened? Is this really the end? We needed 2 goals in 15 minutes to send the game into penalties. It can be done, but could we do it? Decisions had gone against us all game, were we man enough to pull ourselves inch by inch from the edge of defeat and the end of the dreamteam?
After 10 mintues of the second half of extra time, the score was still 3-1. It can't be. Cooper had been waiting his whole life to see the dreamteam crash and burn and now was full of chat, "Dreamteam got nothingggg, what's that Sanchez? Losing 3-1! Dreamteam is gay!" His hatred at having been sodomized on the FIFA pitch by the dreamteam in the past was coming out.
It was do-or-die, was dreamteam a champion team or a team of champions? 4 mintues remaining on the clock and dreamteam go forward in attack. The ball is moved from side to side sublimely, Sanchez breaks through, he is one on one with the keeper, he draws him and slips off a pass to Skasian who slots the goal. 3-2. Game on. 2 mintues of injury time is added on. And again the dreamteam press forward, is this it? No, the ball is cleared. The room is silent, everyone is on the edge of their chair, Cooper is biting his nails. The fulltime whistle will go any second, but the dreamteam attack once more, their last chance. Sanchez slides through the defence, everyone holds their breath, he shoots... The keeper can't hold it but he can push it away, but Skasian is following up again, "Finish it!" "Noooo" yell Sanchez and T-Rex at the same time. Skasian, with the weight of the FIFA world on his shoulders, holds the circle button and directs the ball into the back of the net. The celebrations wake the neighbourhood, T-Rex, Cooper and Row-Row are distraught, tears flow down their cheeks. 3-3. Fulltime. We are going to penalties!
Each player scores his first penalty as the tension grows. Any miss will potentially be the end. Row-Row lines up against Sanchez as keeper. This is mental warfare and I'm inside his head. He shoots for the right side, the ball is on its way, surely it's in. But no, the keeper's hand comes from no where to save the goal. Sanchez is a national hero, but can he finish the game, he needs to convert from the spot. He hits the crossbar! No goal, game still on. A solitary tear rolls down Sanchez's cheek.
Skasian pulls off another amazing save, is this it? The final nail in the coffin. Graduating from boys to men, it all relies on Skasian's ability to score from penalty spot. He hits it, it hits the back of the net and Sanchez and Skasian hit instant stardom. The dreamteam had done the unthinkable, it wasn't easy, there were times where we both thought we wouldn't come out on top but there is an inherent quality in champions that refused to lie down. Row-Row, T-Rex and Cooper aren't even has-been's, there are never-were's. Sanchez slept very well that night.
Note: Dreamteam is willing to take on any team of 2 in a FIFA10 match on any console. Anywhere, anytime, anyone. Bring your offers!
Sanchez and his friend, Skasian. FIFA Dreamteam! The two best players this side of the equator, having spent years at each others houses battling it out, now joining forces to defeat lesser men on the field of dreams. The challengers were Row-Row, Cooper and T-Rex. I use these codenames for their own safety and to save them from the embarrassment that will come with the completion of this story. First, the dreamteam swept aside the challenge of Row-Row and Cooper, then T-Rex and Cooper were dealt with. It was like taking candy from a child.
As Sanchez's and Skasians' fingers danced across the controllers, it seemed nothing could halt the dreamteam. But there was one last hill to climb. Row-Row and T-Rex. The winners would be heroes, men amongst boys and the losers would be cast off into the oblivion that is the world of heartbreak.
After 10 mintues it was 1-0 to the dreamteam and it seemed as though the hill has become a mound. It was all too easy! The longer the game progressed, the more confident the dreamteam became, it was still 1-0 but surely we could lay on a few goals if we really needed to. But with only a few minutes remaining on the clock, disaster struck. T-Rex stood up to be counted and scored to send the game into extra time. The dreamteam gathered themselves, ready to stamp their authority but it the authority didn't come. Row-Row and T-Rex dominated the first half of extra time, it finished at 3-1 to them. The dreamteam was shellshocked, what had happened? Is this really the end? We needed 2 goals in 15 minutes to send the game into penalties. It can be done, but could we do it? Decisions had gone against us all game, were we man enough to pull ourselves inch by inch from the edge of defeat and the end of the dreamteam?
After 10 mintues of the second half of extra time, the score was still 3-1. It can't be. Cooper had been waiting his whole life to see the dreamteam crash and burn and now was full of chat, "Dreamteam got nothingggg, what's that Sanchez? Losing 3-1! Dreamteam is gay!" His hatred at having been sodomized on the FIFA pitch by the dreamteam in the past was coming out.
It was do-or-die, was dreamteam a champion team or a team of champions? 4 mintues remaining on the clock and dreamteam go forward in attack. The ball is moved from side to side sublimely, Sanchez breaks through, he is one on one with the keeper, he draws him and slips off a pass to Skasian who slots the goal. 3-2. Game on. 2 mintues of injury time is added on. And again the dreamteam press forward, is this it? No, the ball is cleared. The room is silent, everyone is on the edge of their chair, Cooper is biting his nails. The fulltime whistle will go any second, but the dreamteam attack once more, their last chance. Sanchez slides through the defence, everyone holds their breath, he shoots... The keeper can't hold it but he can push it away, but Skasian is following up again, "Finish it!" "Noooo" yell Sanchez and T-Rex at the same time. Skasian, with the weight of the FIFA world on his shoulders, holds the circle button and directs the ball into the back of the net. The celebrations wake the neighbourhood, T-Rex, Cooper and Row-Row are distraught, tears flow down their cheeks. 3-3. Fulltime. We are going to penalties!
Each player scores his first penalty as the tension grows. Any miss will potentially be the end. Row-Row lines up against Sanchez as keeper. This is mental warfare and I'm inside his head. He shoots for the right side, the ball is on its way, surely it's in. But no, the keeper's hand comes from no where to save the goal. Sanchez is a national hero, but can he finish the game, he needs to convert from the spot. He hits the crossbar! No goal, game still on. A solitary tear rolls down Sanchez's cheek.
Skasian pulls off another amazing save, is this it? The final nail in the coffin. Graduating from boys to men, it all relies on Skasian's ability to score from penalty spot. He hits it, it hits the back of the net and Sanchez and Skasian hit instant stardom. The dreamteam had done the unthinkable, it wasn't easy, there were times where we both thought we wouldn't come out on top but there is an inherent quality in champions that refused to lie down. Row-Row, T-Rex and Cooper aren't even has-been's, there are never-were's. Sanchez slept very well that night.
Note: Dreamteam is willing to take on any team of 2 in a FIFA10 match on any console. Anywhere, anytime, anyone. Bring your offers!
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